I am Bridget Jones

“You just have to realize that life is not a romantic comedy.”

Someone said this to me recently. They felt that people don’t just follow their hearts in love and it was silly for me to think otherwise. There are factors, conditions, and other considerations. Love is not the end all be all and those other factors control relationships, not love.

I’ve been pondering the idea trying to decide if I agree.

To think this over, I first needed a reference point of true romantic comedies:*

Bridget Jones’ Diary

When Harry Met Sally

He’s Just Not That Into You

Love and Basketball

Sweet Home Alabama

How to Loose a Guy in 10 Days

Love Jones

Brown Sugar

Plot Overview Summary: Boy meets girl. Girl is slightly neurotic, but in a loveable “dressing on the side” kinda way that make her totally endearing. Things aren’t exactly right. Boy and girl go through some stuff, but they overcome. True love conquers all and they end up together in the end. Throw in a fake orgasm scene, a fight scene with yummy Hugh Grant, a nice but boring fiancé, and Hip Hop/poetry and there you have it.

If you ask me, it doesn’t seem to be all that complicated and sounds a lot like what happens in real life. Except for the yummy Hugh Grant part. I keep looking for him in my office so I can sashay by in my short skirt but he seems to be away on leave; indefinitely.

But other than that, people go through those things. They make up, they break up, they chase the wrong girl, say stupid stuff, and fall in stupid foolish total love. So my question is: Why do we make life more complicated than a romantic comedy? Why don’t we all just put it on the line like Bridget Jones and follow our hearts?

Don’t get me wrong, I understand: there are factors in relationships. None of those movies have a “Whose turn is it to do the laundry?” scene. Or a 2 am “My ass was just in the toilet AGAIN because you left the seat up. I swear to God I will stab you in your sleep if you do it again” scene. Those things are part of relationships and you have to be able to work them out. But that is life. And it isn’t unique to romantic relationships. So what is wrong with following your heart with the understanding that regardless of who you love or how hard you love them, you will have to take out the garbage? I don’t see why you would let the fact that the garbage has to go out be your driving force.

I think I can trace the difference in our views of real life verses the romantic comedy back to the moment where someone puts their heart on the pavement to fight for what they really want. The “I’ll play for your heart” in Love and Basketball. The “When did you fall in love with hip hop” in Brown Sugar. And I’m starting to think that if you don’t stand up in that moment when it happens and fight, you just miss it. There is something about the passion of the fight against all odds and reason that separates the RoCom from real life. If you miss the moment, you likely miss out on your happily ever after. And you still have to take out the garbage.

Now let's be clear, I hear the argument that lasting relationships are not based on that love alone. That it fades, and you have to fall back on the responsibilities and friendship to make a relationship last. But when I hear people say that I often believe they are talking about lust not love. No, wanting to ravish a person every time you see them will not make for a 30-year long marriage. (But it might get you solidly through the first 5 years if you do it right *wink*).

But are you closer to that 30-year marker if you ration out your heart in pursuing your relationships? There is something to be said for not trying to control your emotions and following them. Like Matthew McConaughey chasing after Kate Hudson on the Brooklyn Bridge on his motorbike. You may not get the girl. But it seems to me the alternative is just as bad. And there is the chance that you will get the girl. And she already knows that you were a player before you met her and loves you anyway.

Something about letting that passion lead just might be exactly the answer to making relationships last. Because that passion is you. The real you. And the object of your affection is getting something real, in all of its intensity. I hear about so many relationships that end after the muted “representative” of a person goes away. That moment when people finally put themselves out there and their mate (months or years later) is forced to deal with the real person that they have never seen before who has appeared. I say you jump all in and follow your heart from the start and be real. It might not make every relationship work. But the ones that do will have that real staying power.

I’m even more certain now that I was before that for some people life is a romantic comedy. Just like I know there are rich people even though my bank account doesn’t show it. Some people do follow their hearts and find true love like Bridget Jones. If you don’t believe they really exist, it just means you aren’t one of them.

Yet.

But if you are the person who is hiding yummy Hugh Grant at your office, give me a ring. We should do lunch. I have just the right outfit.

Your hopelessly romantic BCG

* If you have not seen any of these movies call/message me now and we will make a weekend out of it. Because you are seriously missing out of you haven’t laughed at Reese Witherspoon punching Candace Bergen in the face with a Southern accent.

Too Many Cities Girl

So somewhere along the line, I can’t quite place the genius, my apartment turned into a frat house. There are massive amounts of liquor in every single room (don’t even ask, I’m not getting into it). My entire wardrobe is dirty on one of my floors making getting dressed for tomorrow my next big adventure. Well getting dressed and not falling on my face trying to run to the bathroom in the middle of the night; so two adventures daily…who knew how much you could fit into a day?

I’ve building a tower of naked pizza boxes, as their pizza has become my vehicle for all 4 food-groups (grain, dairy, veggies, and meat. AND it is organic; I’m brilliant at multi-tasking!)

I have a golf driver in my living room that I think grew from the carpet like magic and now I have to get a big bulb to replace the one I broke in my living room when I was play swinging it around. And the kitchen light is hanging from the frame, but I’m not tall enough to fix it. (Which I believe means I definitely didn’t break it. I didn’t ever bring the club into that room at all, I swear).

Red cups keep spring up everywhere with stuff in them. Is there a gnome sneaking in here tapping the left over Hennessey? I didn’t even drink whatever bottle of liquor I just found on the patio.

OK…might be time to clean this ish up. I’m just going to practice my swing a few more times first.

Your "rather be golfing" BCG

He Said She Said

I am reminded today of a theory a friend and I constructed in college about how differently men and women view time when dating.

Female’s Perspective:

Day 1

Girl meets boy.

Day 4

Girl continues to be frustrated by waiting for boy to call. Has amassed 4 conference calls with closest 5 female friends to figure out what he is doing and why it would keep him from calling.

Day 5

Girl gets fed up with ridiculous length of wait and determines boy is not worth her time. Would most likely be awful in bed. Girl would then have to lie and tell him it was good. Would feel really bad about that. She is not a liar. Decides then and there: she is not going to become a liar for a silly boy. The nerve; expecting her to change just to be with him.

Day 6

Crazy ex-girlfriend potential is added to bad in bed concerns during daily female friend conference call. Is determined that no normal woman would tolerate this hypothetical potentially insane behavior. If said crazy woman were to do something like - keying girl’s car…who has time or money for such repairs? This coupled with the bad in bed fact is making it challenging to justify keeping him around during conference calls. Girl is certain; best just to call the whole thing off.

Day 7

Boy FINALLY calls to ask girl out. Although annoyed, girl refers back to Church message that week on forgiveness and determines she will overlook his transgressions. She agrees to go out with him. Girl is very forgiving you know; Like Jesus. She knows it might be asking for trouble, but she allows the past issues to slide. Boy seems nice, and who knows, people are able to change. He can change and she is just the woman to help him do it. Girl makes mental note: reward self with a pedicure for being such a giving person.

Day 9

Girl and boy have a great date. Laughing, talking, and joking for hours on end. Boy must be very into her because they closed down the restaurant. If he weren’t having the best time of his life, would he have insisted they have desert? Girl must remember to bring up that very point on tomorrow’s conference call about how into her he must be.

Day 10

Girl keeps cell phone on vibrate all day within eye glance during all meetings and appointments. Certain boy will call, she practices her “Oh hi; I wasn’t expecting to hear from you today” line in work bathroom mirror.

Day 13

During female friend conference call serious questions are raised about boy’s ability to be a good husband. Given how flighty and inconsiderate he is and all. How can she be expected to share the rest of her life with someone who has no manors? They will have to have a serious talk about his behavior very soon.

Day 16

Important discovery is made during female friend conference call. After evaluating all clues and subtle signs it is determined that boy's so called “job” MUST just be a front for drug trafficking. It is best that he is now out of the picture. Girl is not the “ride or die” type of chick. She would never shove drugs or other things up her bum to sneak into the clink to keep him from getting killed in the joint like the jail house special on HBO.

Day 18

Boy calls girl to say hello. Girl is not only confused, but also annoyed. What type of girl does he take her for? Nothing gets stuffed up her rear for anyone! It is insulting that he has the nerve to “Say hi” when there are such pressing issues on the table. A mental note is made to discuss this on today’s conference call about him. Girl determines things must change if they are going to move forward in any serious way at all.

Male perspective:

Day X to Day X:

Boy meets girl. Boy likes girl. Boy calls girl and asks her out. Boy and girl go out and have an OK time. Boy calls girl to say hi. Might ask her out again. Might not.

An't no Holla Back Girl

I never answer my house phone, but I was dancing around my living room this fine sunny Saturday when it rang so I thought “what the heck.”

I picked it up, said hello and this is what I heard:

“You have received a call from landmark telemarketers. All of our operators are now busy and cannot take your call. Our office hours are 9-6 EST and our number is (202) 555-1983. Thank you. Good-bye.

Are you serious? I want to know what marketing genius thought that was a good message to put on the playback. I realize they use a machine to dial and don’t expect people to pick up. But I can’t help but think “We called you but now can’t talk. You should call us back so we can sell you some crap” is just a waste.

Maybe its just me.

OMG - Sincerely

I don’t understand how texting snuck into the mainstream as a vehicle to communicate feelings. Texts should be used to convey:

1. Directions to the bar.
2. That I’m running 15 minutes late (again). OK, 30 minutes, tops; but that’s it.
3. That you are in hot water for finishing the mint cookies and cream ice cream yet AGAIN. As God as my witness, if you do it one more time, I will crazy-glue sprinkles to your forehead while you are sleeping.

Now, I see how a simple “How are you” text continues on and includes important updates. I’m all for efficiency. But if that simple question turns into a serious discussion or a disagreement erupts, I’m not taking the fight seriously and neither should you.

It’s a text; the modern day set of cans with a string in-between. The reliability of the message getting across has improved, but the chance for miscommunication is still high. Its easy, but you can’t hear my voice. I can’t see your eyebrow twitch the way it does when you are lying. You can’t see the tears form in the corner of my eyes the way they do when I say “I’m OK,” but pretending to be stronger than I feel.

What are we, in grade school? You wouldn’t take me seriously if I slipped you a folded piece of paper saying “Do you think I properly value the things that matter to you? Check one box: yes/ no/ maybe.” Why would we do the technology equivalent?

Worse than that, when I’m texting you, I could be cooking risotto and dancing to Christmas tunes in a pair of boxers and a tee shirt singing into the spoon. I’m not 100% focused on you, and chances are high that I will slip up and say something that pisses you off. I’m bound to say anything. Once I start texting, my competitive streak kicks in. I’m trying to be wittier in my next text than I was in my last. Or be just wittier than you. It’s a technology based “you just got served!” and I am going to win.

It is not a way to get heart-felt emotions.

So, if you want me to take you seriously, and our conversation seriously, you should talk to me; in-person. Preferably over a glass of wine. Where real feelings, emotions, facial expressions all play into communication the way they were intended to. If you say something that sounds important in a text, I will take note of it; as a marker for what I will expect us to discuss for real when we see each other again.

Anything I say that sounds profound or perhaps heart inspired by text, you should verify it next time we get together. I might have just been copying quotes from the episode of The West Wing I was really paying attention to at the time. The writers on that show have some really witty one-liners.

BCG - grab her attention

March Mayhem

So it’s public knowledge that I have a tiny, wee little bit of a competitive streak in me. It is also public knowledge that my face lights up like Christmas when I get to fill out my NCAA tournament bracket. Once I blow out my last birthday candle in January, I can’t wait for March Madness to begin.

This year, the ink was still wet on my final selection when my heart was pulled from my body and smashed on the ground at my feet. There was no smack talking in the lunch room. No snide comments in my facebook updates. Just anarchy and basketball mayhem. Nine seats were beating one seats and before you knew it, my bracket was nothing more than a legal size piece of scrap paper.

Boo.

I was at a bar, as one of the final four games played, and struck up a conversation with the gentleman sitting next to me. He offered me half of his meal, which I was totally confused by but tried to hide (why exactly Mr. Total Stranger would I eat half of your dinner?). He was watching the game on the big screen.

Making friendly conversation, I ask “So you didn’t have either of these teams on your bracket, now did you?”

“Hell no” was his emphatic reply.

Yeah, mine has been garbage for over a week now, which really sucks.”

I was partly making conversation and partly looking for comfort because I’m really pissed about it all. Anyone I see with a Kansas shirt on from now until the summer I’m gonna smack them upside the back of their head like a smart mouth five year old.

Then he said, “Well, if you really love the game, it doesn’t matter and you enjoy it for the sport of it all, regardless of who is playing. You appreciate the game and watch it the same no matter what.”

5 minutes later, he paid his check and left. The score was 7-9, 7 minutes into the first half.

Humph.

I guess “enjoying the sport of it all” just applies to me. After his lecture and attempt to make me feel like “less than a pure fan” he bounced.

But I have seen lots of guys paint their whole bodies in the color of their favorite teams. They love the game AND care who wins.

Besides, he clearly didn’t want to watch this bull, shit either.

Kansas, Georgetown, and Villanova: you are all on my list. Sleep with one eye open.

Strange man at the bar: You can kiss my ass. You’re just as pissed-off as I am. Stop fronting and stop trying to make me feel bad. This bracket season sucks and I’m going to pout about it until fantasy football starts.

Your BC Girl – clearly still mad at loosing $10 bucks in the office pool.

The Fear of Falling

I don’t ski.

Don’t get me wrong, I try to ski. I put on snow pants and my Nautica ski jacket. I rent skis and poles and go down a mountain with snow on it.

But what I’m doing on that mountain is really not the definition of skiing. What I’m doing is trying desperately not to fall. I am so afraid of falling that it occupies my every thought until I’m on level ground again. I can’t tell you if I enjoyed the run or if it was a good slope, because my goal is to say upright the whole time. If I can do that; it is a good day.

See, I fell on my first ski trip. It was the grandest fall in all of skiing falls. I took out this poor guy who didn’t see me coming and ended up pinned to the ground on my back like a turtle with my skis folded under me whimpering:

“Help me. Please help me…”

I was in such a precarious position; I couldn’t move. A kind Samaritan had to release me from my self imposed snow prison. He kept saying “How the hell did you get like this?” Which was really annoying. Like I had any clue how I ended up twisted like a pretzel on the side of a mountain!

When it was all said and done, I couldn’t walk for 2 months on my right knee I had injured it so badly.

I’ve seen a close correlation to my approach to skiing and the approach some people take to dating. They aren’t dating; they are trying not to get hurt. They aren’t open to the possibilities that love might have in store for them, they keep people at a safe arms length so that they can be in control of the situation and their own feelings. They slowly cause the end of any potential relationship because like me on that mountain since the fall, they are not enjoying the run, but trying to control how it ends. They want to be able to say “At least I didn’t make THAT mistake again.” And they can.

But without putting their hearts on the line and being open, the can also guarantee that there will be an end.

People tell me I have to stop being afraid of the fall and just go for it. If I fall, then I fall, but I will enjoy the activity much more if I’m not afraid. But saying that seems just as stupid as telling me to be purple one day. How do you stop fear? I’ve heard of people overcoming it, but it’s a process, not an on/off switch.

I secretly hate those people because I automatically think “Ah, so you have never done the snow turtle upside-down pretzel move. Because if you did, you would be afraid too.” It may not be fair to discount their hopes for me because they have not seen the same challenges. But this is not a Nike commercial. “Just do it” is not the battle cry I’m looking for.

I may not be able to erase my fear over night, but I keep getting up on those mountains. I try to look up for brief moments to notice a tree or some other part of the scenery. I realize it’s not earth shattering, but its progress. I even fell the last time I was out and it wasn’t that bad. I was able to get back up without the ski patrol.

The 2014 Winter Olympics may not be in my future, but another ski trip is. And a new ski jacket. Cause at some point, I’m not going to remember THAT fall, but some other silly thing that happens on the mountain. The turtle pretzel will be a distant memory. Last time I went out, one of my friends crashed in such a dramatic way, I can still see it in my head. He wasn’t hurt, but watching him fly by at a million miles an hour to a certain crash made me forget for that minute my own fear. And if you string together enough of those moments…who knows.

Whoosh!!! Your bcg girl