Someone asked me to write my next blog on being alone for the holidays.
At first, I thought he was being silly and short sighted. Everyone has their family and friends that love them. Even if you aren’t in a relationship, I’m quiet certain you are far from alone.
Then the blizzard hit.
2 days stuck in the house. Christmas love stories are on every channel and work has slowed to a halt as people power down until the New Year.
It’s enough to make you loose your mind.
I’m one of those girls who are always busy. I fill every minute of every day with every thing. My “to do list” is my guide and I find satisfaction in checking things off that list. Life moves quickly and constantly; a convenient by-product is that staying busy means I don’t get many moments where I have to confront what I am choosing not to focus on.
Like a relationship.
I don’t make time find answers to these questions: Is a relationship important or not? Do I want to try and work towards one? Am I being hard on the guys I have dated recently? Should give them more of a chance? Have I walked away from something great?
I just keep moving. I assume that what I say I’m looking for really does exists somewhere and I will find it when I’m supposed. That I shouldn’t just try to make it work with someone I don’t feel a connection to. In the mean time, checking the boxes on my list is much more fulfilling than pondering these really hard questions that have speculations and no real answers.
And then I got snowed in.
No work to distract me, no clients calling for reports. I’ve wrapped all of my gifts and washed all my clothes. I’ve watched 8 movies and it is still 4 hours earlier than I ever go to bed on a Saturday night.
What am I supposed to do now?
It’s the stillness that makes it tough for people to be single during these months. Your world slows to a halt. It allows you time to think. It forces you to think. You realize that in some areas of your life, you are a rock star. In others, you are no further along then you were when you moved out of your parents’ house those many years ago.
And oh yeah!! THAT is right around the corner. The family dinners where they try very hard to pretend they understand why you are still single. Pretend they understand why you needed that next promotion, that second or third degree, or whatever it is you have focused on that keeps you from figuring out the love thing. They pretend that they get why that last guy wasn’t the one; and the truth is they don’t. They want to understand, because they love you. They want you to be happy, and they just don’t believe you are.
Add in a few sappy Christmas romances and those “Every Kiss begins with K” commercials and its enough to make you pull your hair out while you question all of the choices you made throughout the first 11 months of the year.
So to my friend, I’m sorry I pre-judged you. I was too busy checking off boxes to realize how much many of us can empathize with you.
We will find love when its right and it shouldn’t be seasonally motivated. Don’t let Zale’s convince you it has to be this month. In solidarity, I’m going to go erase all of the numbers in my phone for the “maybe I should give him another chance, he wasn’t THAT bad” guys. There might be several more hours before its safe to drive, and I don’t want to be tempted to give them another chance I wouldn’t even consider in the sunshine of April.
And don’t worry, Martin Luther King’s Day is right around the corner; it seems that the world goes back to normal then...
- Your BCG Snow Angel
Sunday, December 20, 2009
Thursday, December 10, 2009
Happiness does not equal raw eggs and flour
A woman I went to college with was featured today in the Washington Post for her upcoming novel “Bitch is the New Black.” Tickled to see someone I know in the news, I started googling to get the full story. While I’m excited by the concept of the book the way she describes herself it in the video interview gave me pause – because it’s something I’ve heard a lot.
She said “I’m a successful black woman” several times, listed off the things that validated the statement, and then says she isn’t happy. I know many women who describe themselves this way, and they too end up in that same place at the end of the sentence. “I’m a successful black woman, why can’t I find love or happiness?”
It might be worth while to go back to the beginning of the sentence and see where we made a wrong turn.
What is success? I’ve heard it described a number of ways: having a degree (or two), a house, a car, a job, the right clothes, and/or invites to the right parties. Some women define it as beginning married or having a child. But in many cases, all of this “success” is not accompanied with happiness.
If what you want is happiness, then are you really successful without it?
Someone along the way told us the work is done once you get the tools. We want a cake - so we get the eggs, sugar, and the flour…. but we leave them on the counter and go get ready for the club. We go out, drink, dance, have a good time, and wonder why we don’t have a cake with cute rose petal frosting details when we get back. We want the results but have not done the work.
Since we as women, of any color, were not allowed to get the tools before, we have come to see these as important markers. Getting the degrees, the job, our own things, are accomplishments we should be proud of. But they are not the end of the road. The sacrifice, the balance, the compromise of giving outside of ourselves in a relationship, for our career, or for our children, that’s a whole different thing.
We have been allowed to say “no thanks” to the parts that are hard, so we do. We shun being in relationships that are not “worthy of us” and turn our noses up at anything that falls short of our fabulous definitions. We are not our mother or grandmothers. We have tools and tools equal options. We have the option of only investing in what we want, and not settling for less. And we hold onto our options like badges of honor and wear them like a shield against being mediocre and common. We pat ourselves on the back for not having to slave like our for-mothers did, and yet wonder why we are all alone.
But what we are realizing is that our mothers and their mothers were not sacrificing because they were less fabulous than we are. It was something different. And to find our own happiness, we will have to see some parts of them in ourselves.
Many of us have the ingredients for happiness, but have not actually started baking. We haven’t gotten to the hard part of what true happiness is, and wonder where our “happiness prize” is.
But, happiness is not an entitlement. It is the result of soul searching, giving, and loving. It is the byproduct of risks taken and challenges overcome. It is opening yourself and your heart to finding something that really matters -what ever that is– and committing yourself to it fully. If that is a job, a child, or a husband --- you get back what you put out.
Let me be honest - that first cake you make is going to suck. You are gonna mess it up somehow. But don’t be discouraged. Try again and again until you figure it out. You’ll know you have the right recipe when you think it’s perfect and the first thing you want to do is cut the first slice for someone else.
She said “I’m a successful black woman” several times, listed off the things that validated the statement, and then says she isn’t happy. I know many women who describe themselves this way, and they too end up in that same place at the end of the sentence. “I’m a successful black woman, why can’t I find love or happiness?”
It might be worth while to go back to the beginning of the sentence and see where we made a wrong turn.
What is success? I’ve heard it described a number of ways: having a degree (or two), a house, a car, a job, the right clothes, and/or invites to the right parties. Some women define it as beginning married or having a child. But in many cases, all of this “success” is not accompanied with happiness.
If what you want is happiness, then are you really successful without it?
Someone along the way told us the work is done once you get the tools. We want a cake - so we get the eggs, sugar, and the flour…. but we leave them on the counter and go get ready for the club. We go out, drink, dance, have a good time, and wonder why we don’t have a cake with cute rose petal frosting details when we get back. We want the results but have not done the work.
Since we as women, of any color, were not allowed to get the tools before, we have come to see these as important markers. Getting the degrees, the job, our own things, are accomplishments we should be proud of. But they are not the end of the road. The sacrifice, the balance, the compromise of giving outside of ourselves in a relationship, for our career, or for our children, that’s a whole different thing.
We have been allowed to say “no thanks” to the parts that are hard, so we do. We shun being in relationships that are not “worthy of us” and turn our noses up at anything that falls short of our fabulous definitions. We are not our mother or grandmothers. We have tools and tools equal options. We have the option of only investing in what we want, and not settling for less. And we hold onto our options like badges of honor and wear them like a shield against being mediocre and common. We pat ourselves on the back for not having to slave like our for-mothers did, and yet wonder why we are all alone.
But what we are realizing is that our mothers and their mothers were not sacrificing because they were less fabulous than we are. It was something different. And to find our own happiness, we will have to see some parts of them in ourselves.
Many of us have the ingredients for happiness, but have not actually started baking. We haven’t gotten to the hard part of what true happiness is, and wonder where our “happiness prize” is.
But, happiness is not an entitlement. It is the result of soul searching, giving, and loving. It is the byproduct of risks taken and challenges overcome. It is opening yourself and your heart to finding something that really matters -what ever that is– and committing yourself to it fully. If that is a job, a child, or a husband --- you get back what you put out.
Let me be honest - that first cake you make is going to suck. You are gonna mess it up somehow. But don’t be discouraged. Try again and again until you figure it out. You’ll know you have the right recipe when you think it’s perfect and the first thing you want to do is cut the first slice for someone else.
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
Women Who Burn Water and Men with Soft Hands
On facebook today, a friend posted this comment:
“A WOMAN AT MY JOB TOLD ME THAT IF YOU ARE OVER 25 AND CAN'T COOK A FULL COURSE MEAL THAN YOUR NOT A REAL WOMAN... LADIES HOW DO U FEEL ABOUT THIS??? AND MEN DO U CONCEDE TO MY CO-WORKER'S COMMENTS???”
Forty-five comments later (yes, 45!) I was overwhelmed by the responses by both men and woman. Is this how we measure our woman and ourselves?
News flash: The roles in society have changed. Once we all decided that the American Dream required 2 incomes to achieve, traditional gender roles flew out the window.
Marriage is a moving target. There isn’t a “one size fits all” definition anymore. I hear far more stories of women who rely on their husbands so much that after a divorce they can’t even balance their checkbooks. For those women, THAT concerns me far more than if she can whip up butternut squash soup and a pot roast.
And if you are not the bread winner, and your wife/girlfriend brings home the bacon rockin the board room, you better move your butt into that kitchen and fry her up some chicken. And at bonus time, you better call your grandma and get that special mac and cheese recipe. She’s earned it.
But more than anything, I’m done with the rampant discussion about what makes a real woman with little to no conversation around what makes a real man.
Exhibit A: I asked a guy recently to change a light bulb for me, and you would have thought I asked him to build the Great Wall of China. By hand. Alone. In a snow storm. Naked. He whined and moaned and in the end, he didn’t do it!
For some reason, the evolving positions in society make people feel 100% comfortable judging women for how they fall short of their “wife/womanly/ motherly roles” But men go unchecked.
Well…I’m going to say it. Men - being in the office has made some of you physically lazy, spoiled, and just plan soft. An hour on the elliptical machine is NOT the equivalent of fixing the dishwasher. Racquetball and golf are NOT equal to cleaning out the gutters. Some of you have outsourced your “manly” duties to illegal immigrants looking for work in the parking lot of the Home Depot. And no one has checked you on it until now.
So on both sides, let’s be honest about what is important and what is not. Would everyone love to have a well prepared meal waiting when they get home? Yes. (Shoot, me included) But for all of the single mothers I know, its more impressive to me that they can put food on the table at all…no matter how its prepared.
Would I love to have a man making six figures so I can stay home and watch “As the World Turns?” Hells yeah! But I would rather have a man who isn’t afraid to do what ever it takes to care for his family; be that a blue collar, white collar, green collar, or dirty collar job.
Let’s stop measuring ourselves by outdated criteria and give credit for all that make us truly great woman, men, and partners. We need to focus on being good to each other and stop trying to fit each other into these little tiny archaic boxes.
Any ladies (or guys) interested…I’m happy to offer cooking classes for my gumbo. It’s amazing. Or you can just pay me to make it for you. I’m a renaissance business woman.
“A WOMAN AT MY JOB TOLD ME THAT IF YOU ARE OVER 25 AND CAN'T COOK A FULL COURSE MEAL THAN YOUR NOT A REAL WOMAN... LADIES HOW DO U FEEL ABOUT THIS??? AND MEN DO U CONCEDE TO MY CO-WORKER'S COMMENTS???”
Forty-five comments later (yes, 45!) I was overwhelmed by the responses by both men and woman. Is this how we measure our woman and ourselves?
News flash: The roles in society have changed. Once we all decided that the American Dream required 2 incomes to achieve, traditional gender roles flew out the window.
Marriage is a moving target. There isn’t a “one size fits all” definition anymore. I hear far more stories of women who rely on their husbands so much that after a divorce they can’t even balance their checkbooks. For those women, THAT concerns me far more than if she can whip up butternut squash soup and a pot roast.
And if you are not the bread winner, and your wife/girlfriend brings home the bacon rockin the board room, you better move your butt into that kitchen and fry her up some chicken. And at bonus time, you better call your grandma and get that special mac and cheese recipe. She’s earned it.
But more than anything, I’m done with the rampant discussion about what makes a real woman with little to no conversation around what makes a real man.
Exhibit A: I asked a guy recently to change a light bulb for me, and you would have thought I asked him to build the Great Wall of China. By hand. Alone. In a snow storm. Naked. He whined and moaned and in the end, he didn’t do it!
For some reason, the evolving positions in society make people feel 100% comfortable judging women for how they fall short of their “wife/womanly/ motherly roles” But men go unchecked.
Well…I’m going to say it. Men - being in the office has made some of you physically lazy, spoiled, and just plan soft. An hour on the elliptical machine is NOT the equivalent of fixing the dishwasher. Racquetball and golf are NOT equal to cleaning out the gutters. Some of you have outsourced your “manly” duties to illegal immigrants looking for work in the parking lot of the Home Depot. And no one has checked you on it until now.
So on both sides, let’s be honest about what is important and what is not. Would everyone love to have a well prepared meal waiting when they get home? Yes. (Shoot, me included) But for all of the single mothers I know, its more impressive to me that they can put food on the table at all…no matter how its prepared.
Would I love to have a man making six figures so I can stay home and watch “As the World Turns?” Hells yeah! But I would rather have a man who isn’t afraid to do what ever it takes to care for his family; be that a blue collar, white collar, green collar, or dirty collar job.
Let’s stop measuring ourselves by outdated criteria and give credit for all that make us truly great woman, men, and partners. We need to focus on being good to each other and stop trying to fit each other into these little tiny archaic boxes.
Any ladies (or guys) interested…I’m happy to offer cooking classes for my gumbo. It’s amazing. Or you can just pay me to make it for you. I’m a renaissance business woman.
Friday, November 27, 2009
BCG Verses Wal-Mart
The alarm on the nightstand at my mother’s house was set for 3am this morning to wake us up for the unthinkable. The smell of turkey and pumpkin pie still lingering in the air, we made a pack – we were going to camp out at Wal-Mart.
All who know me know I hate Wal-Mart. They put small businesses out of business and bully their vendors. They deflate profit margins, make competition impossible, and are working towards a global monopoly where they could then price anyway they want.
But the economy is bad, so I’ll get off my soap box and admit if we are going to recover, people have to buy things – anywhere they can. I wanted to see first hand if we are on an up-tick. I also heard they were letting people sleep in the store before opening at 5am alongside the items they wanted to buy. Camping out next to stuff in the store? Camera phone in hand I went to bed with visions of Mullet haircuts and grown folks in pajamas dancing in my head.
I’m not as perky and enthusiastic at 3am and I imagined I would be at 9pm. That aside, the scene inside was not what I expected.
These were everyday people. Sleepy like me, all trying to get a little more for their Christmas dollars. There were orderly lines, marked with gold balloons down almost every isle and somewhat helpful associates with “event staff” name badges.
And an event this was.
This line in the pet isle was for $219 lap tops. The woman I spoke with wanted to get one for her daughter who left for college with out a computer because they couldn’t afford one. Psp’s were $89.99, and I was told this is a steal. I didn’t know what this was before, but I was in the minority because the line stretched for 2 isles.
I spoke with a lot of people -- what is this line for? When did you get here? How much is that? Most people were buying gifts. And I saw lots of people paying with cash.
So I continued to wonder around when I stumbled on one line away from the rest. It was long and separated and took over almost 4 isles in the toy section. At the front, an army of event staff stood on tall pallets handing out flat screen TV’s.
“How much are these?”
“$249.99, 32 inches.” The event man said proudly. “But you can’t get a ticket, they were all given out a long time ago.”
I wasn’t in the market for a TV, but $250 bucks was unbelievable. I walked down a few more isles, past the end of the line, and there, low and behold, an event staff member had more tickets. He didn’t realize there were supposed to be no more. He wasn’t told it was supposed to be over. I could buy one. I could get on line and walk away with one. I paused for a moment before I crossed over to the dark side down the Barbie dress up isle…
I won’t bore you with the gory details of all that happened next. But know that football at my house on Sundays will now be viewed in HD.
Wall-Mart (1) verses this Big City Girl => Wall-Mart wins – TKO
All who know me know I hate Wal-Mart. They put small businesses out of business and bully their vendors. They deflate profit margins, make competition impossible, and are working towards a global monopoly where they could then price anyway they want.
But the economy is bad, so I’ll get off my soap box and admit if we are going to recover, people have to buy things – anywhere they can. I wanted to see first hand if we are on an up-tick. I also heard they were letting people sleep in the store before opening at 5am alongside the items they wanted to buy. Camping out next to stuff in the store? Camera phone in hand I went to bed with visions of Mullet haircuts and grown folks in pajamas dancing in my head.
I’m not as perky and enthusiastic at 3am and I imagined I would be at 9pm. That aside, the scene inside was not what I expected.
These were everyday people. Sleepy like me, all trying to get a little more for their Christmas dollars. There were orderly lines, marked with gold balloons down almost every isle and somewhat helpful associates with “event staff” name badges.
And an event this was.
This line in the pet isle was for $219 lap tops. The woman I spoke with wanted to get one for her daughter who left for college with out a computer because they couldn’t afford one. Psp’s were $89.99, and I was told this is a steal. I didn’t know what this was before, but I was in the minority because the line stretched for 2 isles.
I spoke with a lot of people -- what is this line for? When did you get here? How much is that? Most people were buying gifts. And I saw lots of people paying with cash.
So I continued to wonder around when I stumbled on one line away from the rest. It was long and separated and took over almost 4 isles in the toy section. At the front, an army of event staff stood on tall pallets handing out flat screen TV’s.
“How much are these?”
“$249.99, 32 inches.” The event man said proudly. “But you can’t get a ticket, they were all given out a long time ago.”
I wasn’t in the market for a TV, but $250 bucks was unbelievable. I walked down a few more isles, past the end of the line, and there, low and behold, an event staff member had more tickets. He didn’t realize there were supposed to be no more. He wasn’t told it was supposed to be over. I could buy one. I could get on line and walk away with one. I paused for a moment before I crossed over to the dark side down the Barbie dress up isle…
I won’t bore you with the gory details of all that happened next. But know that football at my house on Sundays will now be viewed in HD.
Wall-Mart (1) verses this Big City Girl => Wall-Mart wins – TKO
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