Thursday, December 10, 2009

Happiness does not equal raw eggs and flour

A woman I went to college with was featured today in the Washington Post for her upcoming novel “Bitch is the New Black.” Tickled to see someone I know in the news, I started googling to get the full story. While I’m excited by the concept of the book the way she describes herself it in the video interview gave me pause – because it’s something I’ve heard a lot.

She said “I’m a successful black woman” several times, listed off the things that validated the statement, and then says she isn’t happy. I know many women who describe themselves this way, and they too end up in that same place at the end of the sentence. “I’m a successful black woman, why can’t I find love or happiness?”

It might be worth while to go back to the beginning of the sentence and see where we made a wrong turn.

What is success? I’ve heard it described a number of ways: having a degree (or two), a house, a car, a job, the right clothes, and/or invites to the right parties. Some women define it as beginning married or having a child. But in many cases, all of this “success” is not accompanied with happiness.

If what you want is happiness, then are you really successful without it?

Someone along the way told us the work is done once you get the tools. We want a cake - so we get the eggs, sugar, and the flour…. but we leave them on the counter and go get ready for the club. We go out, drink, dance, have a good time, and wonder why we don’t have a cake with cute rose petal frosting details when we get back. We want the results but have not done the work.

Since we as women, of any color, were not allowed to get the tools before, we have come to see these as important markers. Getting the degrees, the job, our own things, are accomplishments we should be proud of. But they are not the end of the road. The sacrifice, the balance, the compromise of giving outside of ourselves in a relationship, for our career, or for our children, that’s a whole different thing.

We have been allowed to say “no thanks” to the parts that are hard, so we do. We shun being in relationships that are not “worthy of us” and turn our noses up at anything that falls short of our fabulous definitions. We are not our mother or grandmothers. We have tools and tools equal options. We have the option of only investing in what we want, and not settling for less. And we hold onto our options like badges of honor and wear them like a shield against being mediocre and common. We pat ourselves on the back for not having to slave like our for-mothers did, and yet wonder why we are all alone.

But what we are realizing is that our mothers and their mothers were not sacrificing because they were less fabulous than we are. It was something different. And to find our own happiness, we will have to see some parts of them in ourselves.

Many of us have the ingredients for happiness, but have not actually started baking. We haven’t gotten to the hard part of what true happiness is, and wonder where our “happiness prize” is.

But, happiness is not an entitlement. It is the result of soul searching, giving, and loving. It is the byproduct of risks taken and challenges overcome. It is opening yourself and your heart to finding something that really matters -what ever that is– and committing yourself to it fully. If that is a job, a child, or a husband --- you get back what you put out.

Let me be honest - that first cake you make is going to suck. You are gonna mess it up somehow. But don’t be discouraged. Try again and again until you figure it out. You’ll know you have the right recipe when you think it’s perfect and the first thing you want to do is cut the first slice for someone else.

3 comments:

  1. This is spot-on.

    it's so true that many people forget that happiness and success don't necessarily go hand in hand....just like that saying says, "happiness is a journey...not a destination." so why wait to be happy? :-)

    -L.

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  2. Love it. Thank you. You've captured the thoughts of many friends I've consulted who don't believe that we have it all that bad, or that the options are limited to married, or "bitch".

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  3. Happiness is a process and a journey and does take work. Thank you for this wisdom and for acknowledging that our mothers and grannies, though they may have been domestics without degrees or BMW keys, were no less the fabulous for it.

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