The Fear of Falling

I don’t ski.

Don’t get me wrong, I try to ski. I put on snow pants and my Nautica ski jacket. I rent skis and poles and go down a mountain with snow on it.

But what I’m doing on that mountain is really not the definition of skiing. What I’m doing is trying desperately not to fall. I am so afraid of falling that it occupies my every thought until I’m on level ground again. I can’t tell you if I enjoyed the run or if it was a good slope, because my goal is to say upright the whole time. If I can do that; it is a good day.

See, I fell on my first ski trip. It was the grandest fall in all of skiing falls. I took out this poor guy who didn’t see me coming and ended up pinned to the ground on my back like a turtle with my skis folded under me whimpering:

“Help me. Please help me…”

I was in such a precarious position; I couldn’t move. A kind Samaritan had to release me from my self imposed snow prison. He kept saying “How the hell did you get like this?” Which was really annoying. Like I had any clue how I ended up twisted like a pretzel on the side of a mountain!

When it was all said and done, I couldn’t walk for 2 months on my right knee I had injured it so badly.

I’ve seen a close correlation to my approach to skiing and the approach some people take to dating. They aren’t dating; they are trying not to get hurt. They aren’t open to the possibilities that love might have in store for them, they keep people at a safe arms length so that they can be in control of the situation and their own feelings. They slowly cause the end of any potential relationship because like me on that mountain since the fall, they are not enjoying the run, but trying to control how it ends. They want to be able to say “At least I didn’t make THAT mistake again.” And they can.

But without putting their hearts on the line and being open, the can also guarantee that there will be an end.

People tell me I have to stop being afraid of the fall and just go for it. If I fall, then I fall, but I will enjoy the activity much more if I’m not afraid. But saying that seems just as stupid as telling me to be purple one day. How do you stop fear? I’ve heard of people overcoming it, but it’s a process, not an on/off switch.

I secretly hate those people because I automatically think “Ah, so you have never done the snow turtle upside-down pretzel move. Because if you did, you would be afraid too.” It may not be fair to discount their hopes for me because they have not seen the same challenges. But this is not a Nike commercial. “Just do it” is not the battle cry I’m looking for.

I may not be able to erase my fear over night, but I keep getting up on those mountains. I try to look up for brief moments to notice a tree or some other part of the scenery. I realize it’s not earth shattering, but its progress. I even fell the last time I was out and it wasn’t that bad. I was able to get back up without the ski patrol.

The 2014 Winter Olympics may not be in my future, but another ski trip is. And a new ski jacket. Cause at some point, I’m not going to remember THAT fall, but some other silly thing that happens on the mountain. The turtle pretzel will be a distant memory. Last time I went out, one of my friends crashed in such a dramatic way, I can still see it in my head. He wasn’t hurt, but watching him fly by at a million miles an hour to a certain crash made me forget for that minute my own fear. And if you string together enough of those moments…who knows.

Whoosh!!! Your bcg girl

Travel Light

Love was so much easier when we were young. Boy meets girl, he pulls her ponytail, chases her around the playground; she likes him back. They hold hands in the hallway, eat lunch together, and pass notes when they should be learning algebra. The note gets folded into a cute triangle; that should count for something in geometry, right?

Things start to get very complicated after that. People get into relationships that don’t work with people that disappoint them and it hurts. Getting over the hurt is not easy. Some hold onto the hurt, package it up, and carry it into every new romantic experience.

Baggage.

Some people have a little bit of baggage; like that clear liquids bag you can carry onto the plane. But others have lots of it. Not cute matched Louie V luggage sets where everything has its own compartment and stays in place. Nope, folks walk around with overfilled plastic bags, ripped garbage bags, and rolling suitcases with busted wheels full of old hurts, the mistakes of others, and unrealized expectations. The bags piles up around them, falling onto the floor in the most inopportune times making it impossible get close to them without tripping over something.

Many walk around with the bags for so long; they don’t even realize anymore when stuff falls out of them.

There you are, having a quite dinner at a new trendy restaurant. You’re gazing into each others eyes, laughing, joking, and smiling. Your hands touch in the middle of the table, he looks at you and you think he will say something cute and flirty. You’re waiting in anticipation, and then the waiter comes by to see if you want chocolate lava cake or Italian cream pastry for desert.

You have been looking forward to the lave cake from the moment he recommended the restaurant and you looked up the menu online. But your date’s face gets tight, his expression gets cross, and he says no one is interested in desert and sends the waiter off.

BAM!

After the waiter leaves, one of the bags explodes on the table onto the floor and you spend an hour explaining how you personally have never sleep with your boyfriend’s best friend while he was on a business trip in Italy. So although you realize how hard that was, you don’t actually think it will be a problem for the two of you.

“Are you going to Italy any time soon?” You ask; wondering why this needs to be discussed in lue of chocolate lava cake.

“You’re missing the point. I don’t want to make the same mistakes again, I have to learn from my past.”

So there you are.

No lava cake for you. You’re sitting at the table, exhaustedly wondering how many other conversations like this you will need to have to prove you aren’t her. Conversations about mistakes you have never made and will never make, but obviously have and impact on your budding relationship.

Last week you spent hours talking about your views on pet custody. How IF you moved in together, and IF you decided to get a miniature Snouser together, and IF you broke up, would you let him see the dog for visits. That was a frustrating conversation, but there was no chocolate lava cake involved, so you grinned and created a supportive position to this hypothetic dilemma.

The problem is, although you aren’t perfect (OK, you’re really, really far from perfect) the two of you have not gotten to discuss your mistakes and shortcomings. You’re still defending yourself against someone else’s whacked out mistakes and you spend a lot of time explaining that you are not that person rather than showing who YOU truly are.

Its hard, this love thing. It can be beautiful, strong ,and lasting. But if you throw all of those bags on top of it while it’s just a sapling, it will be dead before it had a chance to grow.

Sadly, many waste emotions on people who think it’s OK to do outlandish things, and as a result are guarded against the real possibilities. Like our friend at the restaurant who just wanted to get to know this new exciting guy. Well, get to know him and try that chocolate lava cake.

Your BCG girl - unpacking