The Fear of Falling

I don’t ski.

Don’t get me wrong, I try to ski. I put on snow pants and my Nautica ski jacket. I rent skis and poles and go down a mountain with snow on it.

But what I’m doing on that mountain is really not the definition of skiing. What I’m doing is trying desperately not to fall. I am so afraid of falling that it occupies my every thought until I’m on level ground again. I can’t tell you if I enjoyed the run or if it was a good slope, because my goal is to say upright the whole time. If I can do that; it is a good day.

See, I fell on my first ski trip. It was the grandest fall in all of skiing falls. I took out this poor guy who didn’t see me coming and ended up pinned to the ground on my back like a turtle with my skis folded under me whimpering:

“Help me. Please help me…”

I was in such a precarious position; I couldn’t move. A kind Samaritan had to release me from my self imposed snow prison. He kept saying “How the hell did you get like this?” Which was really annoying. Like I had any clue how I ended up twisted like a pretzel on the side of a mountain!

When it was all said and done, I couldn’t walk for 2 months on my right knee I had injured it so badly.

I’ve seen a close correlation to my approach to skiing and the approach some people take to dating. They aren’t dating; they are trying not to get hurt. They aren’t open to the possibilities that love might have in store for them, they keep people at a safe arms length so that they can be in control of the situation and their own feelings. They slowly cause the end of any potential relationship because like me on that mountain since the fall, they are not enjoying the run, but trying to control how it ends. They want to be able to say “At least I didn’t make THAT mistake again.” And they can.

But without putting their hearts on the line and being open, the can also guarantee that there will be an end.

People tell me I have to stop being afraid of the fall and just go for it. If I fall, then I fall, but I will enjoy the activity much more if I’m not afraid. But saying that seems just as stupid as telling me to be purple one day. How do you stop fear? I’ve heard of people overcoming it, but it’s a process, not an on/off switch.

I secretly hate those people because I automatically think “Ah, so you have never done the snow turtle upside-down pretzel move. Because if you did, you would be afraid too.” It may not be fair to discount their hopes for me because they have not seen the same challenges. But this is not a Nike commercial. “Just do it” is not the battle cry I’m looking for.

I may not be able to erase my fear over night, but I keep getting up on those mountains. I try to look up for brief moments to notice a tree or some other part of the scenery. I realize it’s not earth shattering, but its progress. I even fell the last time I was out and it wasn’t that bad. I was able to get back up without the ski patrol.

The 2014 Winter Olympics may not be in my future, but another ski trip is. And a new ski jacket. Cause at some point, I’m not going to remember THAT fall, but some other silly thing that happens on the mountain. The turtle pretzel will be a distant memory. Last time I went out, one of my friends crashed in such a dramatic way, I can still see it in my head. He wasn’t hurt, but watching him fly by at a million miles an hour to a certain crash made me forget for that minute my own fear. And if you string together enough of those moments…who knows.

Whoosh!!! Your bcg girl