Too Many Cities Girl

So somewhere along the line, I can’t quite place the genius, my apartment turned into a frat house. There are massive amounts of liquor in every single room (don’t even ask, I’m not getting into it). My entire wardrobe is dirty on one of my floors making getting dressed for tomorrow my next big adventure. Well getting dressed and not falling on my face trying to run to the bathroom in the middle of the night; so two adventures daily…who knew how much you could fit into a day?

I’ve building a tower of naked pizza boxes, as their pizza has become my vehicle for all 4 food-groups (grain, dairy, veggies, and meat. AND it is organic; I’m brilliant at multi-tasking!)

I have a golf driver in my living room that I think grew from the carpet like magic and now I have to get a big bulb to replace the one I broke in my living room when I was play swinging it around. And the kitchen light is hanging from the frame, but I’m not tall enough to fix it. (Which I believe means I definitely didn’t break it. I didn’t ever bring the club into that room at all, I swear).

Red cups keep spring up everywhere with stuff in them. Is there a gnome sneaking in here tapping the left over Hennessey? I didn’t even drink whatever bottle of liquor I just found on the patio.

OK…might be time to clean this ish up. I’m just going to practice my swing a few more times first.

Your "rather be golfing" BCG

He Said She Said

I am reminded today of a theory a friend and I constructed in college about how differently men and women view time when dating.

Female’s Perspective:

Day 1

Girl meets boy.

Day 4

Girl continues to be frustrated by waiting for boy to call. Has amassed 4 conference calls with closest 5 female friends to figure out what he is doing and why it would keep him from calling.

Day 5

Girl gets fed up with ridiculous length of wait and determines boy is not worth her time. Would most likely be awful in bed. Girl would then have to lie and tell him it was good. Would feel really bad about that. She is not a liar. Decides then and there: she is not going to become a liar for a silly boy. The nerve; expecting her to change just to be with him.

Day 6

Crazy ex-girlfriend potential is added to bad in bed concerns during daily female friend conference call. Is determined that no normal woman would tolerate this hypothetical potentially insane behavior. If said crazy woman were to do something like - keying girl’s car…who has time or money for such repairs? This coupled with the bad in bed fact is making it challenging to justify keeping him around during conference calls. Girl is certain; best just to call the whole thing off.

Day 7

Boy FINALLY calls to ask girl out. Although annoyed, girl refers back to Church message that week on forgiveness and determines she will overlook his transgressions. She agrees to go out with him. Girl is very forgiving you know; Like Jesus. She knows it might be asking for trouble, but she allows the past issues to slide. Boy seems nice, and who knows, people are able to change. He can change and she is just the woman to help him do it. Girl makes mental note: reward self with a pedicure for being such a giving person.

Day 9

Girl and boy have a great date. Laughing, talking, and joking for hours on end. Boy must be very into her because they closed down the restaurant. If he weren’t having the best time of his life, would he have insisted they have desert? Girl must remember to bring up that very point on tomorrow’s conference call about how into her he must be.

Day 10

Girl keeps cell phone on vibrate all day within eye glance during all meetings and appointments. Certain boy will call, she practices her “Oh hi; I wasn’t expecting to hear from you today” line in work bathroom mirror.

Day 13

During female friend conference call serious questions are raised about boy’s ability to be a good husband. Given how flighty and inconsiderate he is and all. How can she be expected to share the rest of her life with someone who has no manors? They will have to have a serious talk about his behavior very soon.

Day 16

Important discovery is made during female friend conference call. After evaluating all clues and subtle signs it is determined that boy's so called “job” MUST just be a front for drug trafficking. It is best that he is now out of the picture. Girl is not the “ride or die” type of chick. She would never shove drugs or other things up her bum to sneak into the clink to keep him from getting killed in the joint like the jail house special on HBO.

Day 18

Boy calls girl to say hello. Girl is not only confused, but also annoyed. What type of girl does he take her for? Nothing gets stuffed up her rear for anyone! It is insulting that he has the nerve to “Say hi” when there are such pressing issues on the table. A mental note is made to discuss this on today’s conference call about him. Girl determines things must change if they are going to move forward in any serious way at all.

Male perspective:

Day X to Day X:

Boy meets girl. Boy likes girl. Boy calls girl and asks her out. Boy and girl go out and have an OK time. Boy calls girl to say hi. Might ask her out again. Might not.

An't no Holla Back Girl

I never answer my house phone, but I was dancing around my living room this fine sunny Saturday when it rang so I thought “what the heck.”

I picked it up, said hello and this is what I heard:

“You have received a call from landmark telemarketers. All of our operators are now busy and cannot take your call. Our office hours are 9-6 EST and our number is (202) 555-1983. Thank you. Good-bye.

Are you serious? I want to know what marketing genius thought that was a good message to put on the playback. I realize they use a machine to dial and don’t expect people to pick up. But I can’t help but think “We called you but now can’t talk. You should call us back so we can sell you some crap” is just a waste.

Maybe its just me.