Check Yes, No, Maybe

The evening was winding down at the scholarship gala. I was one of the few souls out on the dance floor enjoying the DJ’s 90’s “remember college” throwback music.  I was a little irritated that the bar closed an hour before the event was over.  THAT to me is a disaster.

Sorry, let me get back to the story.

So, I’m dancing around enjoying myself when two women walk up to me.

"We just wanted to let you know that we are teachers of the students that were given scholarships tonight and one of them has been mesmerized by you all night. He keeps calling you his dream girl in a purple dress.  Would you be willing to talk to him?  It would make his night to have you say hello.”

1 – I love schoolteachers, they use sentences like “Mesmerized by you all night.”

And 2 – How cute was that???

Marcus was his name and he is in the 10^th grade.  He couldn’t looked me in the eye and kept playing with the sleeve on his new, slightly over sized suit jacket. I gave him a hug, told him how handsome he looked, and he returned with the biggest smile ever.

The whole thing was adorable; it reminded me of getting a note from a friend that a boy had passed to her in middle school. 

I like you.  Do you like me?  Check one box:

☐ Yes

☐ No

☐ Maybe

Can we go there again?  When relationships were simple like that?  You check the yes box and two days later you’re “going together” and wearing his varsity jacket.  It was pure and honest.  When you weren’t clicking, you gave back the jacket and a few weeks later someone else passed you a note. 

Now, there are a million ways to communicate in dating, all of it meaning different things.  Messages through texts, emails, Facebook, Twitter, Voxer, Skype… it never ends. 

I liked it when there were less options. Staying up all night on the phone with my boyfriend in high school until we finally fell asleep.  We would wake up in the morning excited to be the first voice the other heard.  It was pure…and yes I know a little silly.  But I think we could all stand to be a little silly now and then.

I went on a date once with a guy who texted me the next day and I have yet to hear from him again.  But he constantly flirts with me on face book.  Can someone please explain what the point is of that?  We had one whack date, can’t we just say that and I give back the jacket?

Drew Barrymore’s character in “He’s Just not That into You” said something that I always loved.  How she misses the days when we had one phone number that was connected to an answering machine with one tape.  And when you came home that tape either had a message from a guy or it didn’t.  You knew where you stood and if you called back, so did he.

I’d like to go back to that, when we had fewer ways to cyber stalk each other.  If you want to talk to me and get to know me, don’t send off a dozen electronic smoke signals.  Just say so when you call. 

Or pass a girl a note with a couple of options.

Checking the box – your BC girl

East of the West Wing

It’s one of those nights - I’m enjoying disk 29 of my prized complete series of The West Wing.  When I want to be inspired I look to Josh, Toby, Donna, and CJ.  Beautifully flawed yet well intended; they follow their passions even off a cliff.  I am far less noble, but I’m them. My heart leads my actions: good, bad, or otherwise.  And it works, somehow for them, and for me.

I realized in this episode, that I’m Donna.  She’s reading profiles of people eligible for pardons, and she can’t cull down the list because she’s gotten invested in all of their stories.  I too have never learned, in work or play, how to keep life at arms length.  I lead with my heart in…well everything really.  I’m an all-in girl (I think its part of my charm but I might be fooling myself). 

I can appreciate those people who are cool, calm, and collected.  I don’t understand them at all.  I erupt when I’m angry or hurt and throw everything I have behind something or someone I believe in.  When I love something, there is no question.  When I don’t, there is no doubt.  It might be why I love this show so much.  A full cast of people with no capacity to exist without passion.

“You want to impress me? Do something. Talk is cheap.”

A man just yelled that at Toby and stormed away.  That was the line I was looking for: the theme to sum up my day.  A day that was filled with words and meaningless gestures.  I realized that is what I wanted to say.  Wanted to scream, because that’s what we passionates do, we raise our voices when we feel something. 

“Do something!!”

Talk is cheap and I had been talking and listening all day.  Talking and listening for days actually.  Having circular conversations with people chasing their tails.  Spinning in comfortable circles working to convince me that spinning makes sense.  Nothing infuriates me more than being around people who have the capacity to run and do great things – who instead stand there and spin.  I get dizzy very quickly.  And frustrated with the waste of potential even quicker.  I mean, what would Josh do?  He would take action, move ahead, do something that made the world better.  Or at least try to.  He would piss off a lot of people along the way, but the end would justify the means. A step ahead is a step ahead.  It’s infinitely better than spinning in a circle.

“Talk is cheap.”

I don’t really have any answers on this one. You can lead a horse to water but not make them admit they are thirsty.  But at least Donna and the gang made me feel right at home.  I turned off the cell and the blackberry, took a few Advil and drank some sake.  Yeah, I know; dinner of champions.  Don’t worry; I had a slice of my favorite Naked Pizza too.  A girl has to be balanced with all this spinning going on around her.  Maybe tomorrow I can get some of the spinning to stop.

Donna got all but one of the people pardoned. A little passion can go a long way.

Your BC “Donna at heart” Girl 

I am Bridget Jones

“You just have to realize that life is not a romantic comedy.”

Someone said this to me recently. They felt that people don’t just follow their hearts in love and it was silly for me to think otherwise. There are factors, conditions, and other considerations. Love is not the end all be all and those other factors control relationships, not love.

I’ve been pondering the idea trying to decide if I agree.

To think this over, I first needed a reference point of true romantic comedies:*

Bridget Jones’ Diary

When Harry Met Sally

He’s Just Not That Into You

Love and Basketball

Sweet Home Alabama

How to Loose a Guy in 10 Days

Love Jones

Brown Sugar

Plot Overview Summary: Boy meets girl. Girl is slightly neurotic, but in a loveable “dressing on the side” kinda way that make her totally endearing. Things aren’t exactly right. Boy and girl go through some stuff, but they overcome. True love conquers all and they end up together in the end. Throw in a fake orgasm scene, a fight scene with yummy Hugh Grant, a nice but boring fiancé, and Hip Hop/poetry and there you have it.

If you ask me, it doesn’t seem to be all that complicated and sounds a lot like what happens in real life. Except for the yummy Hugh Grant part. I keep looking for him in my office so I can sashay by in my short skirt but he seems to be away on leave; indefinitely.

But other than that, people go through those things. They make up, they break up, they chase the wrong girl, say stupid stuff, and fall in stupid foolish total love. So my question is: Why do we make life more complicated than a romantic comedy? Why don’t we all just put it on the line like Bridget Jones and follow our hearts?

Don’t get me wrong, I understand: there are factors in relationships. None of those movies have a “Whose turn is it to do the laundry?” scene. Or a 2 am “My ass was just in the toilet AGAIN because you left the seat up. I swear to God I will stab you in your sleep if you do it again” scene. Those things are part of relationships and you have to be able to work them out. But that is life. And it isn’t unique to romantic relationships. So what is wrong with following your heart with the understanding that regardless of who you love or how hard you love them, you will have to take out the garbage? I don’t see why you would let the fact that the garbage has to go out be your driving force.

I think I can trace the difference in our views of real life verses the romantic comedy back to the moment where someone puts their heart on the pavement to fight for what they really want. The “I’ll play for your heart” in Love and Basketball. The “When did you fall in love with hip hop” in Brown Sugar. And I’m starting to think that if you don’t stand up in that moment when it happens and fight, you just miss it. There is something about the passion of the fight against all odds and reason that separates the RoCom from real life. If you miss the moment, you likely miss out on your happily ever after. And you still have to take out the garbage.

Now let's be clear, I hear the argument that lasting relationships are not based on that love alone. That it fades, and you have to fall back on the responsibilities and friendship to make a relationship last. But when I hear people say that I often believe they are talking about lust not love. No, wanting to ravish a person every time you see them will not make for a 30-year long marriage. (But it might get you solidly through the first 5 years if you do it right *wink*).

But are you closer to that 30-year marker if you ration out your heart in pursuing your relationships? There is something to be said for not trying to control your emotions and following them. Like Matthew McConaughey chasing after Kate Hudson on the Brooklyn Bridge on his motorbike. You may not get the girl. But it seems to me the alternative is just as bad. And there is the chance that you will get the girl. And she already knows that you were a player before you met her and loves you anyway.

Something about letting that passion lead just might be exactly the answer to making relationships last. Because that passion is you. The real you. And the object of your affection is getting something real, in all of its intensity. I hear about so many relationships that end after the muted “representative” of a person goes away. That moment when people finally put themselves out there and their mate (months or years later) is forced to deal with the real person that they have never seen before who has appeared. I say you jump all in and follow your heart from the start and be real. It might not make every relationship work. But the ones that do will have that real staying power.

I’m even more certain now that I was before that for some people life is a romantic comedy. Just like I know there are rich people even though my bank account doesn’t show it. Some people do follow their hearts and find true love like Bridget Jones. If you don’t believe they really exist, it just means you aren’t one of them.

Yet.

But if you are the person who is hiding yummy Hugh Grant at your office, give me a ring. We should do lunch. I have just the right outfit.

Your hopelessly romantic BCG

* If you have not seen any of these movies call/message me now and we will make a weekend out of it. Because you are seriously missing out of you haven’t laughed at Reese Witherspoon punching Candace Bergen in the face with a Southern accent.

He Said She Said

I am reminded today of a theory a friend and I constructed in college about how differently men and women view time when dating.

Female’s Perspective:

Day 1

Girl meets boy.

Day 4

Girl continues to be frustrated by waiting for boy to call. Has amassed 4 conference calls with closest 5 female friends to figure out what he is doing and why it would keep him from calling.

Day 5

Girl gets fed up with ridiculous length of wait and determines boy is not worth her time. Would most likely be awful in bed. Girl would then have to lie and tell him it was good. Would feel really bad about that. She is not a liar. Decides then and there: she is not going to become a liar for a silly boy. The nerve; expecting her to change just to be with him.

Day 6

Crazy ex-girlfriend potential is added to bad in bed concerns during daily female friend conference call. Is determined that no normal woman would tolerate this hypothetical potentially insane behavior. If said crazy woman were to do something like - keying girl’s car…who has time or money for such repairs? This coupled with the bad in bed fact is making it challenging to justify keeping him around during conference calls. Girl is certain; best just to call the whole thing off.

Day 7

Boy FINALLY calls to ask girl out. Although annoyed, girl refers back to Church message that week on forgiveness and determines she will overlook his transgressions. She agrees to go out with him. Girl is very forgiving you know; Like Jesus. She knows it might be asking for trouble, but she allows the past issues to slide. Boy seems nice, and who knows, people are able to change. He can change and she is just the woman to help him do it. Girl makes mental note: reward self with a pedicure for being such a giving person.

Day 9

Girl and boy have a great date. Laughing, talking, and joking for hours on end. Boy must be very into her because they closed down the restaurant. If he weren’t having the best time of his life, would he have insisted they have desert? Girl must remember to bring up that very point on tomorrow’s conference call about how into her he must be.

Day 10

Girl keeps cell phone on vibrate all day within eye glance during all meetings and appointments. Certain boy will call, she practices her “Oh hi; I wasn’t expecting to hear from you today” line in work bathroom mirror.

Day 13

During female friend conference call serious questions are raised about boy’s ability to be a good husband. Given how flighty and inconsiderate he is and all. How can she be expected to share the rest of her life with someone who has no manors? They will have to have a serious talk about his behavior very soon.

Day 16

Important discovery is made during female friend conference call. After evaluating all clues and subtle signs it is determined that boy's so called “job” MUST just be a front for drug trafficking. It is best that he is now out of the picture. Girl is not the “ride or die” type of chick. She would never shove drugs or other things up her bum to sneak into the clink to keep him from getting killed in the joint like the jail house special on HBO.

Day 18

Boy calls girl to say hello. Girl is not only confused, but also annoyed. What type of girl does he take her for? Nothing gets stuffed up her rear for anyone! It is insulting that he has the nerve to “Say hi” when there are such pressing issues on the table. A mental note is made to discuss this on today’s conference call about him. Girl determines things must change if they are going to move forward in any serious way at all.

Male perspective:

Day X to Day X:

Boy meets girl. Boy likes girl. Boy calls girl and asks her out. Boy and girl go out and have an OK time. Boy calls girl to say hi. Might ask her out again. Might not.

Travel Light

Love was so much easier when we were young. Boy meets girl, he pulls her ponytail, chases her around the playground; she likes him back. They hold hands in the hallway, eat lunch together, and pass notes when they should be learning algebra. The note gets folded into a cute triangle; that should count for something in geometry, right?

Things start to get very complicated after that. People get into relationships that don’t work with people that disappoint them and it hurts. Getting over the hurt is not easy. Some hold onto the hurt, package it up, and carry it into every new romantic experience.

Baggage.

Some people have a little bit of baggage; like that clear liquids bag you can carry onto the plane. But others have lots of it. Not cute matched Louie V luggage sets where everything has its own compartment and stays in place. Nope, folks walk around with overfilled plastic bags, ripped garbage bags, and rolling suitcases with busted wheels full of old hurts, the mistakes of others, and unrealized expectations. The bags piles up around them, falling onto the floor in the most inopportune times making it impossible get close to them without tripping over something.

Many walk around with the bags for so long; they don’t even realize anymore when stuff falls out of them.

There you are, having a quite dinner at a new trendy restaurant. You’re gazing into each others eyes, laughing, joking, and smiling. Your hands touch in the middle of the table, he looks at you and you think he will say something cute and flirty. You’re waiting in anticipation, and then the waiter comes by to see if you want chocolate lava cake or Italian cream pastry for desert.

You have been looking forward to the lave cake from the moment he recommended the restaurant and you looked up the menu online. But your date’s face gets tight, his expression gets cross, and he says no one is interested in desert and sends the waiter off.

BAM!

After the waiter leaves, one of the bags explodes on the table onto the floor and you spend an hour explaining how you personally have never sleep with your boyfriend’s best friend while he was on a business trip in Italy. So although you realize how hard that was, you don’t actually think it will be a problem for the two of you.

“Are you going to Italy any time soon?” You ask; wondering why this needs to be discussed in lue of chocolate lava cake.

“You’re missing the point. I don’t want to make the same mistakes again, I have to learn from my past.”

So there you are.

No lava cake for you. You’re sitting at the table, exhaustedly wondering how many other conversations like this you will need to have to prove you aren’t her. Conversations about mistakes you have never made and will never make, but obviously have and impact on your budding relationship.

Last week you spent hours talking about your views on pet custody. How IF you moved in together, and IF you decided to get a miniature Snouser together, and IF you broke up, would you let him see the dog for visits. That was a frustrating conversation, but there was no chocolate lava cake involved, so you grinned and created a supportive position to this hypothetic dilemma.

The problem is, although you aren’t perfect (OK, you’re really, really far from perfect) the two of you have not gotten to discuss your mistakes and shortcomings. You’re still defending yourself against someone else’s whacked out mistakes and you spend a lot of time explaining that you are not that person rather than showing who YOU truly are.

Its hard, this love thing. It can be beautiful, strong ,and lasting. But if you throw all of those bags on top of it while it’s just a sapling, it will be dead before it had a chance to grow.

Sadly, many waste emotions on people who think it’s OK to do outlandish things, and as a result are guarded against the real possibilities. Like our friend at the restaurant who just wanted to get to know this new exciting guy. Well, get to know him and try that chocolate lava cake.

Your BCG girl - unpacking