He Said She Said

I am reminded today of a theory a friend and I constructed in college about how differently men and women view time when dating.

Female’s Perspective:

Day 1

Girl meets boy.

Day 4

Girl continues to be frustrated by waiting for boy to call. Has amassed 4 conference calls with closest 5 female friends to figure out what he is doing and why it would keep him from calling.

Day 5

Girl gets fed up with ridiculous length of wait and determines boy is not worth her time. Would most likely be awful in bed. Girl would then have to lie and tell him it was good. Would feel really bad about that. She is not a liar. Decides then and there: she is not going to become a liar for a silly boy. The nerve; expecting her to change just to be with him.

Day 6

Crazy ex-girlfriend potential is added to bad in bed concerns during daily female friend conference call. Is determined that no normal woman would tolerate this hypothetical potentially insane behavior. If said crazy woman were to do something like - keying girl’s car…who has time or money for such repairs? This coupled with the bad in bed fact is making it challenging to justify keeping him around during conference calls. Girl is certain; best just to call the whole thing off.

Day 7

Boy FINALLY calls to ask girl out. Although annoyed, girl refers back to Church message that week on forgiveness and determines she will overlook his transgressions. She agrees to go out with him. Girl is very forgiving you know; Like Jesus. She knows it might be asking for trouble, but she allows the past issues to slide. Boy seems nice, and who knows, people are able to change. He can change and she is just the woman to help him do it. Girl makes mental note: reward self with a pedicure for being such a giving person.

Day 9

Girl and boy have a great date. Laughing, talking, and joking for hours on end. Boy must be very into her because they closed down the restaurant. If he weren’t having the best time of his life, would he have insisted they have desert? Girl must remember to bring up that very point on tomorrow’s conference call about how into her he must be.

Day 10

Girl keeps cell phone on vibrate all day within eye glance during all meetings and appointments. Certain boy will call, she practices her “Oh hi; I wasn’t expecting to hear from you today” line in work bathroom mirror.

Day 13

During female friend conference call serious questions are raised about boy’s ability to be a good husband. Given how flighty and inconsiderate he is and all. How can she be expected to share the rest of her life with someone who has no manors? They will have to have a serious talk about his behavior very soon.

Day 16

Important discovery is made during female friend conference call. After evaluating all clues and subtle signs it is determined that boy's so called “job” MUST just be a front for drug trafficking. It is best that he is now out of the picture. Girl is not the “ride or die” type of chick. She would never shove drugs or other things up her bum to sneak into the clink to keep him from getting killed in the joint like the jail house special on HBO.

Day 18

Boy calls girl to say hello. Girl is not only confused, but also annoyed. What type of girl does he take her for? Nothing gets stuffed up her rear for anyone! It is insulting that he has the nerve to “Say hi” when there are such pressing issues on the table. A mental note is made to discuss this on today’s conference call about him. Girl determines things must change if they are going to move forward in any serious way at all.

Male perspective:

Day X to Day X:

Boy meets girl. Boy likes girl. Boy calls girl and asks her out. Boy and girl go out and have an OK time. Boy calls girl to say hi. Might ask her out again. Might not.

OMG - Sincerely

I don’t understand how texting snuck into the mainstream as a vehicle to communicate feelings. Texts should be used to convey:

1. Directions to the bar.
2. That I’m running 15 minutes late (again). OK, 30 minutes, tops; but that’s it.
3. That you are in hot water for finishing the mint cookies and cream ice cream yet AGAIN. As God as my witness, if you do it one more time, I will crazy-glue sprinkles to your forehead while you are sleeping.

Now, I see how a simple “How are you” text continues on and includes important updates. I’m all for efficiency. But if that simple question turns into a serious discussion or a disagreement erupts, I’m not taking the fight seriously and neither should you.

It’s a text; the modern day set of cans with a string in-between. The reliability of the message getting across has improved, but the chance for miscommunication is still high. Its easy, but you can’t hear my voice. I can’t see your eyebrow twitch the way it does when you are lying. You can’t see the tears form in the corner of my eyes the way they do when I say “I’m OK,” but pretending to be stronger than I feel.

What are we, in grade school? You wouldn’t take me seriously if I slipped you a folded piece of paper saying “Do you think I properly value the things that matter to you? Check one box: yes/ no/ maybe.” Why would we do the technology equivalent?

Worse than that, when I’m texting you, I could be cooking risotto and dancing to Christmas tunes in a pair of boxers and a tee shirt singing into the spoon. I’m not 100% focused on you, and chances are high that I will slip up and say something that pisses you off. I’m bound to say anything. Once I start texting, my competitive streak kicks in. I’m trying to be wittier in my next text than I was in my last. Or be just wittier than you. It’s a technology based “you just got served!” and I am going to win.

It is not a way to get heart-felt emotions.

So, if you want me to take you seriously, and our conversation seriously, you should talk to me; in-person. Preferably over a glass of wine. Where real feelings, emotions, facial expressions all play into communication the way they were intended to. If you say something that sounds important in a text, I will take note of it; as a marker for what I will expect us to discuss for real when we see each other again.

Anything I say that sounds profound or perhaps heart inspired by text, you should verify it next time we get together. I might have just been copying quotes from the episode of The West Wing I was really paying attention to at the time. The writers on that show have some really witty one-liners.

BCG - grab her attention